I slouched in the last seat of the bus as it lumbered into the darkening streets of New York toward the Lincoln Tunnel and my home. I unbuttoned my parka, reached into the inner slit pocket, extracted a brown paper bag, and from it drew a small paperback, keeping it on my lap so that it was out of sight should someone turn to look.
The title was bold: SPANKING. The back cover was just as conspicuous. You could read it a mile away.
I quietly tore off both covers, along with the spine. Even with the covers removed, hidden in the bag, I was sure there was peril in looking at the book on the bus—and taking it home. It was a risk I felt compelled to run.
I was sixteen and had already been fascinated by spanking for a decade. My cheeks flushed at any mention of spanking, in a TV show, a movie, a comic strip, or, particularly, a conversation.
At puberty, my hormones tormented me as they do everyone. But my urges were not just to kiss and caress girls. They were also, they were primarily, to spank or be spanked by them. My childhood interest became my adolescent obsession.
My dreams far exceeded my grasp. I eventually acquired a girlfriend, and the kissing and fondling came along in due course, but the spanking didn’t get far. Once or twice I took her over my knee and gave her some whacks, but she didn’t enjoy it, and we didn’t do it again.
As far as I could tell, everyone thought spankings between adults were something you could joke about, but they were never more than a few smacks on the seat of someone’s skirt. But here on the bus, the book I held was proof that for some people, at least, spanking was more than a joke. There were obviously people who were very interested in it. People like me.
But who were they? What were they like? My only clue was that in order to get this book, I had to go into an adult book store in the seediest part of Manhattan. A few men skulked the aisles, avoiding eye contact as they fingered through rack after rack of porn. The lighting was harsh, and the clerk urged any customer who wanted to thumb through a magazine to “Hurry up—this ain’t a library.”
I walked through the aisles, past magazines about breasts, thighs, amputees, anal sex, lesbians, and homosexuals. In one corner there was a section with books and magazines devoted to bondage and torture. It was there that I found the book on spanking. I picked it up and took it to the cashier, half expecting him to refuse to sell it to me, but he took my money and slipped the book in a bag.
Sitting on the bus, with the book in my hands, I knew that I was not unique. There were other people who shared my interest in spanking, otherwise how could there be a book about it? But nobody I knew had ever been to a store like that, let alone looked through its offerings about bondage and torture.
Even as I held the book, I knew that I had to stop thinking about spanking. It was my mental illness; but I could suppress it. I wanted to have a normal life, and I knew that suppression was my only hope. And in that lonely struggle I was deeply alone. I was convinced that nobody normal was fascinated by spanking—because I had no reason to believe otherwise.
Years later, I know that I was not alone. That I was not mentally ill. And that being interested in spanking is no hindrance to a full life. People like me, who are not the perverts we were afraid of. Happy, productive people.
I can’t travel back in time, get on that bus, sit down next to that worried teenager, and reassure him that it’s going to be okay. But I know that there are thousands, perhaps millions, of people who feel today just as I felt then.
If you are one of those people, if you are fascinated by spanking but fearful of what that means, listen up. I’m writing this for you. And the first thing I want you to know is that there is hope. No matter how fascinated you are by spanking, even if you feel overwhelmed by your secret, even if you feel that there’s no point in going on, there is hope. It gets better.
The first step is for you to understand what spanking means for you.
If you want to integrate accountability in your life, become more goal oriented or just want to spank yourself anyway, you should consider, apart from reading the other articles here, to get the The guide for self spanking. It will teach you the backgrounds of spanking, some things to consider when starting first, and various scenarios in which spanking yourself is necessary.
Check out the guide here or click on this image:
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